treading lightly..

waiting at the border between nicaragua and costa rica a few years back i met some people who had been to the amazing volcanos of guatamala.. they bragged about the lack of safety and how the guides walked them almost right up to the volcanos mouth..

i imagined them treading lightly.. my mind reconstructing them carefully placed steps on the melting rock as they eagerly hunted the amazing vision of the massive lava pimple hissing jets of steam as fishers opened in the thin crust..

i idolised their focus and their resolve.. thinking that maybe i wouldnt have had the same in those circumstances and found it easy to picture myself slipping to a tragic death - with loved ones bemoaning my eternal absence..

years have now gone by and i too have ventured towards the volcanos of life.. mastering my own techniques of treading lightly.. choosing the safer areas in my troublesome region to spend leisure time or picking more stable career options and remaining at all times sensible..

the end result - alongside a myriad of achievements of which i am very proud - is a sense of poor grip.. basically a fear.. it seems that if i step any harder i may fall through the ground.. it may give.. and yet there is no turning back because once trodden on the crispy layer separating me from the boiling mass beneath has been weakened forever..

gone are spontenaity.. impulse and whim.. hello planning.. caution and control..

maybe this is just what life is like when you hit the second half of your thirties..

dimming the lights..

i often have an idea for a post.. its burns a hole through my mind its so hot.. but then it fizzles.. like a shooting star.. and i forget what it was that i wanted to say.. the passion to speak up is drying.. i no longer have an urge to share or to document.. invites to peace events are filed through the pages of my existence like prepaid bills.. and even meeting up with old friends from activist circles seems cumbersome.. because i cant be bothered with their hope.. its exhausting.. i know that all ill want to do is push them to disagree with the positions that always held.. some of which were also dear to my ethos.. it is not clear whether its just the mood in the middle east these days.. or whether its the constant annoyance we suffer from our arab neighbours in the building we live in.. last night our street was packed and for no apparent reason.. no soccer game or street party.. just packed.. there was one free spot that stood there defiantly.. no one dared to park there.. everyone could see that all our arab neighbours who live on the ground floor - the same newcomers who have decided that the street belongs to them and that we mustnt park there - had already parked their music crunching vehicles.. but still that vacant spot was too close to their front door.. so we gracefully thanked the parking fairy for her stellar efforts and proceeded to do a few more laps around the block until we found the next closest spot 150m away.. walking home with our tails between our legs.. as we turned the corner into our stairwell we could feel the building's structure dancing to the doof doof oontz oontz that our ground floor forum was broadcasting.. it was late and we were already peeved by the blocks circuits.. as we climbed the stairwell we encountered numerous items of garbage that had been evenly distributed throughout the freshly cleaned stairwell with a malodour to match.. maybe this is clouding my judgment.. maybe its raping my thoughts and blinding me from the wonderful potential we have to live together peacefully.. and maybe me not writing has nothing to do with either of these issues.. in any events i feel the lights dimming over this desktop..