Wednesday, June 6, 2012

dimming the lights..

i often have an idea for a post.. its burns a hole through my mind its so hot.. but then it fizzles.. like a shooting star.. and i forget what it was that i wanted to say.. the passion to speak up is drying.. i no longer have an urge to share or to document.. invites to peace events are filed through the pages of my existence like prepaid bills.. and even meeting up with old friends from activist circles seems cumbersome.. because i cant be bothered with their hope.. its exhausting.. i know that all ill want to do is push them to disagree with the positions that always held.. some of which were also dear to my ethos.. it is not clear whether its just the mood in the middle east these days.. or whether its the constant annoyance we suffer from our arab neighbours in the building we live in.. last night our street was packed and for no apparent reason.. no soccer game or street party.. just packed.. there was one free spot that stood there defiantly.. no one dared to park there.. everyone could see that all our arab neighbours who live on the ground floor - the same newcomers who have decided that the street belongs to them and that we mustnt park there - had already parked their music crunching vehicles.. but still that vacant spot was too close to their front door.. so we gracefully thanked the parking fairy for her stellar efforts and proceeded to do a few more laps around the block until we found the next closest spot 150m away.. walking home with our tails between our legs.. as we turned the corner into our stairwell we could feel the building's structure dancing to the doof doof oontz oontz that our ground floor forum was broadcasting.. it was late and we were already peeved by the blocks circuits.. as we climbed the stairwell we encountered numerous items of garbage that had been evenly distributed throughout the freshly cleaned stairwell with a malodour to match.. maybe this is clouding my judgment.. maybe its raping my thoughts and blinding me from the wonderful potential we have to live together peacefully.. and maybe me not writing has nothing to do with either of these issues.. in any events i feel the lights dimming over this desktop..

1 comment:

  1. I ache for you and your wife. When shlom bayit is endangered/threatened from without, the question becomes: how long? How far? How much? Please, do what's best for you and that preserves your sense of safety/well being/serenity. What you are doing, living your "utopian" dream, is a world of difference from the rest of us armchair liberals' spouting slogans and sometimes doing some things though rarely the heavy lifting that you do. Maybe its time for a shabbaton to renew, refresh, revisit, explore, discover, assess, chill out, even relocate if it feels as though you've been banging your head against the proverbial wall. A friend taught me years ago that not all battles need to be fought, and that choosing among them, when possible, can be the beginning of wisdom. Shabbat shalom