treading lightly..

waiting at the border between nicaragua and costa rica a few years back i met some people who had been to the amazing volcanos of guatamala.. they bragged about the lack of safety and how the guides walked them almost right up to the volcanos mouth..

i imagined them treading lightly.. my mind reconstructing them carefully placed steps on the melting rock as they eagerly hunted the amazing vision of the massive lava pimple hissing jets of steam as fishers opened in the thin crust..

i idolised their focus and their resolve.. thinking that maybe i wouldnt have had the same in those circumstances and found it easy to picture myself slipping to a tragic death - with loved ones bemoaning my eternal absence..

years have now gone by and i too have ventured towards the volcanos of life.. mastering my own techniques of treading lightly.. choosing the safer areas in my troublesome region to spend leisure time or picking more stable career options and remaining at all times sensible..

the end result - alongside a myriad of achievements of which i am very proud - is a sense of poor grip.. basically a fear.. it seems that if i step any harder i may fall through the ground.. it may give.. and yet there is no turning back because once trodden on the crispy layer separating me from the boiling mass beneath has been weakened forever..

gone are spontenaity.. impulse and whim.. hello planning.. caution and control..

maybe this is just what life is like when you hit the second half of your thirties..